Your Departure Broke Me

I ain't been back to that church since the funeral. Not cuz I lost faith. Just didn't know where to sit without you there. There's a crack in the mirror from the night that you left. I threw my whole fist at the shape of myself cuz I couldn't accept what the doctor had said. So I argued with silence instead. Your shoes still muddy by the back of the door from that Sunday. You said you'd rest a little more. I remember thinking, we got plenty of time. Now that sentence just echoes and lies. The neighbor still waves, but he don't say your name. Like grief is a fire we don't want to explain, but I see it in his eyes when he looks at me wrong. He knows I've been barely holding on. I tried drinking you out of my bloodstream at night. But your memory sobers me up every time. Your departure broke me in places unseen. In the middle of prayers, and the gaps in between. Now I talk to a God I don't fully understand. With your ring in my pocket clenched tight in my hand. Yeah I Shouted at heaven. I cursed at the sky. Said you took the wrong soul. You got the wrong life. But somewhere in the chaos, I felt something true. If He's holding you now, He's holding me, too. I deleted your number, then typed it again just to stare at the screen like it might ring someday. I still cook too much food, set two plates by mistake. And I sit there and slowly decay. Your voicemails my favorite song I can't play cuz I know every word, but I still hit replay. It's the way that you laughed at the end of the line. Like forever was already signed. They told me be strong, but they don't understand. Strength feels like breaking with both of your hands. Trying to carry a life that we built outta two. Now it's half of a home without you. I stopped asking God why. I just asked him what now and the silence felt louder somehow. Your departure broke me in places unseen in the middle of sleep in the air that I breathe. I see you in strangers and songs on the radio and every almost that I can't let go. Yeah I wrestle with heaven. I beg for a sign. Said, "Give me one moment. Just give me more time." My faith ain't a feeling. It's trust and it's true that the same hands that took you are carryin me through. I found one of your notes in a jacket last week. Said, "If I ever go early, don't you lose sleep. God don't make mistakes even when it feels wrong." I read that line till my anger was gone. But I hated you for it. I won't even lie. For leaving me here with this echo inside. For making me learn how to live with the ache. For teaching my heart, how to break. I started talking to God like I talk to you now. Unfiltered, undone. No composure somehow. And I told him, if you're real, you'll sit in this pain. And I swear he didn't walk away. He was there in the nights I couldn't breathe right, in the weight of the sheets, in the absence of light. Not fixing the hurt. Not taking it fast just stayin when everyone else passed Maybe love don't end where the heartbeat stops Maybe heaven's real and it don't feel far Maybe goodbye is just a word we use for something we don't understand at all Cuz I feel you in the quiet I used to fear. And I hear you in the songs I swore I'd never hear. If this pains the price of what we had, I'd pay it all again. No looking back. Your departure broke me. Your departure broke me, but it didn't erase you. Your departure broke me. Oh, your departure broke me. But it opened my eyes to a God who stays close when everything dies. Now I don't just believe. Yeah, I've seen it firsthand. He don't always explain, but he always stands. So I carry your name. Through the rest of my days, through the questions, the scars, through the uncharted fate And when my time comes, I won't be afraid cuz I know where you are. And I know I'm on the way. I might never be whole like I was before. I might never be whole but maybe that ain't the point anymore. Maybe broken. It's how the light gets in.